By Vega Subramaniam
I sometimes have this sense that I, and almost everyone I meet, is walking around in some sort of fog or half-consciousness. Mala and I were bonding on this the other day. She’s got a lot happening in her life right now; no lazy days of summer for her, alas. On top of all that is her unceasing caregiving responsibilities.
Caregiving aside (you can never put caregiving aside), Mala was frustrating the living daylights out of herself by jumping out of bed and over to her desk at, like, 3:30 a.m. every morning, in an all-consuming panic about all she had to do. But then when she actually got to her desk, she’d putter (aka be pulled into the vortex of the first thing she touched and lose track of the THINGS she got up to do).
She said, and I quote, “I know what I have to do. I just don’t do it.” Which is shorthand for, “I can’t pull my attention back into focusing on the thing.” And then the next day comes and it’s still not done…which was what led to her plaintive, “when am I going to wake up?”
I think what she means by that, and certainly what I mean by that, is, “when am I going to find the discipline to focus on my priorities? and as a corollary, “when am I going to actively choose what I’m doing right now?” and as a final corollary extension, “when am I going to be right here, right now?” Read More
By Vega Subramaniam
As I was reading a blog post recently by Scott Eblin, titled, “How to Have Your Best Week,” I was struck by something. In one paragraph, he writes, “All of the great leaders set and enforce personal … Read More
By Vega Subramaniam
A few weeks ago, I talked about why I find the notion of “imposter syndrome” uncomfortable.
During a panel on which I presented last September, I mentioned my discomfort when clients brought up “imposter syndrome,” and my desire to contextualize it in our social/societal context. My friend Shige Sakurai, who was in attendance, commented to me afterward, “what if we flipped the switch and considered gatekeeper’s syndrome instead?”
Thoughts swirled through my mind at this. I was thrown back to my grad school days of the 1980s, when there was a lot of talk about “chilly campus climates” that contributed to gender and racial inequality. That’s basically gatekeeping, right? Which is to say, the underlying patterns are hardly new.
But how is gatekeeping being addressed now?
By Vega Subramaniam
“I really shouldn’t be here. Everyone else has so much more experience than I do. I’m just going to keep my mouth shut and hope that nobody asks me anything. Please please don’t do a go-around and require me to state an opinion. You know they only brought me on because I’m brown/a woman/queer. Three for the price of one. Because it’s sure as hell not because of what I can offer to this project, which is a whole lot of nothing.”
Therein lies a window into my self-talk. You’re welcome.
Imposter syndrome?
Obviously?
Maybe?
I don’t know. I’m troubled by this notion of “imposter syndrome.”
I like to listen to podcasts in the morning as I’m preparing for the day. The other day, I was listening to a “Science of Happiness” podcast called, “Delight in the Unexpected.” Now, this podcast is worth
listening to for any number of reasons, but one that stood out for me is the powerful reminder of the value of slowing down…of savoring a moment. The narrator, Ross Gay, tells a story about watching a hummingbird alight on a tree, and the sheer joy he experienced watching its movements. And I was entranced along with him, savoring this beautiful moment of slowing down to notice the activities of a hummingbird.
Meanwhile, here’s what else is happening in my head, as I’m listening to this podcast describing the joys of slowing down. Read More
By Vega Subramaniam
There’s a project I’m working on right now, a book on toxic leadership behaviors in the social justice sector, that I have been “working on” (pfft) for the past four years. It sits on my cyber shelf collecting virtual dust, and every once in a while I’ll pull it down, examine it for a few minutes like it’s a foreign object, and then promptly return it to the cyber shelf.
Mind you: this book is a labor of love. I think about it all the time. I read articles and file them away because I’ll use them in my book. I talk about the problem incessantly. This book is important to me.
But…I don’t work on it. It sits gathering dust on my cyber shelf.
I’ve been in multiple conversations lately with people experiencing exactly the same phenomenon. They use other words: being blocked, or terrified, or even nauseated about doing that thing that they’re actually desperate to do.
What is that about? What makes it such that, even though I faithfully block off time on my calendar each week to work on my book, I equally faithfully over-write it with meetings, trainings…naps, TBH?
What makes it OK for us to continually let ourselves down? To know we have this undertaking in us that’s going to have such an enormous impact, with countless friends and colleagues cheering us on, and yet avoid doing it? Read More
By Vega Subramaniam
It doesn’t matter what year it is or how old I am. On December 31st, I am ageless. That instant before 12:00:01 a.m. holds every promise of every possibility I’ve ever felt over my whole life. This year might be the year. It is…exquisite.
I do realize that not everyone experiences New Year’s Eve the way I do, and I certainly have no desire to persuade you to change your relationship to it.
But I am guessing that at least some of us have hopes to establish new practices in 2019, break unwanted habits, spend more time each day doing what we actually want to be doing.
By Vega Subramaniam
Despite everything, I’m feeling a pleasant shiver of anticipation for 2019. Partly, it’s because Mala, Megan, and I just finished our annual business planning retreat. That always puts a lightness in my step. There’s something about … Read More
By Vega Subramaniam
Winter Sunset
I am behind on everything. Everything. Mala is more behind on even more of all the everything than I am. Everyone else I know is even more behind on even more everything than Mala and I are. And to be clear: we are behind on everything.
I feel guilty about how I am failing every single one of my coachees. Mala feels guilty about how she is failing every single one of her clients. Everyone I know is, as we speak, feeling guilty about how they are failing every single one of their constituents/teams/bosses/children/ancestors/houseplants.
The fact is: you and I are terrible human beings because, even though we have every privilege in the world, we choose to be utterly selfish, undisciplined, abject failures.
Oh no wait, that’s the 45th president. My mistake.
You know what I’d like to never hear again? Here is what I’d like to never hear again: “I just need more hours in the day!”
By Vega Subramaniam
Last Thursday (AKA The Day that Must Not be Named), Mala and I spent time with friends, eating, drinking, and making merry. At some point, we thought it would be fun to play a game together.
Mala, being … Read More
